Fifteen Footballing Christmas Presents You Are Unlikely to Receive

Fifteen Footballing Christmas Presents Your Unlikely to Receive

1.      Gray and Keys: The Lost Tapes- The presenter’s cash in on their dwindling careers, with a Christmas day release of unseen footage rich in sexist performances. The pick of the punch being when Gray mistakes pundit Ruud Gullit for Graeme Souness’s wife.

 

2.      Xabi Alonso: How to Grow a Great Beard Guidebook- Football fans worldwide have marvelled with jealously at Alonso’s macho beard, which wouldn’t look out of place on a Lord of the Rings set. The book gives you all the tips you need to succeed, with an introduction from Andrea Pirlo, another worthy beard merchant.

 

3.      Colin Murray being replaced on MOTD 2- It might not be something you can unwrap. But it would be more than enough to make the post Christmas blues a more enjoyable experience.

 

4.      The alleged bird of ill fortune, which was perched on the crossbar when England met Algeria in South Africa. Rumour has it he’s already partying in Rio, ready for an appearance in the searing heat come 2014. So it’s unlikely he’ll be stuffed on your mantelpiece this Christmas as sweet revenge.

 

5.      John Terry dressed as Santa- He’s got no time for such trivial matters; Ramires’s Brazilian wife is coming down in time for the Christmas party.

 

6.      Wenger, the audiobook: Le Excuser (The Excuse) - Arsene Wenger’s interviews assembled together to make one really long, incredibly repetitive excuse as to why Arsenal haven’t won a trophy for seven years.

 

7.      A Groupon voucher, ‘One Night Only, Cocktail Making with Tony Adams- It’s been a while since his last managerial post, so Tony is moving into the cocktail business...

 

8.      Jermain Defoe’s phone book- We are all pretty curious to see how many WAGS and page 3 model’s Defoe has crammed in there.

 

9.      A Delia Smith ‘let’s be avin you’ action figure- It was an outburst nobody expected, but a brilliant one at that. Why not create an action figure which fans could bring to home games, to rouse the players if things go a bit stale.

 

10.  Paolo Di Canio: The Swindon Mafia- Paolo shows his versatility by writing a masterpiece of fiction, a gritty realist portrayal of Swindon’s most notorious gang warlords.

 

11.  David Bentley: The Russian Revolution- The title would be classic Bentley, dramatising his strange decision to move to Russia and prove he is the next Beckham. A hastily gathered biography of his time there, with self gloating and a whole chapter on waxing his hair. At least it can go straight on the fire.

 

12.  Carlisle Away- You wouldn’t expect it, and probably wouldn’t appreciate an away ticket to see your side play Carlisle. It’s an absolute trek, especially in December, and you’re likely to get more entertainment out of Paul Merson on Gillette Soccer Saturday.

 

13.  A Nicklas Bendtner shirt- Unless your other half wanted to spite you, it’s one of the most offensive presents one could open. Even if he’s signed the shirt, you’ll struggle to flog it for more than £2 on eBay.

 

14.  Paul Scholes on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories- The ginger genius barely speaks to the sporting media, so to see him opening up about Giggs’s affairs and why he can’t tackle for love or money would be entertaining, but highly unlikely.

 

15.  Ibrahimovic, cast as a servant in the Downton Abbey Christmas special- The Swede arrives on set, under the illusion he is playing the handsome, sadistic love rat. When he finds out he’s actually playing a mere servant who dies of tuberculosis, Ibra is on the next flight to Paris, not before insulting the entire cast.