The Half-Time Quiz: Football General Knowledge

 

 

See how many of these you can get right. There are twenty questions overall, ranging from managers to kit sponsors to club nicknames.

 

Answers are at the bottom of the page.

1.  Where was Martin Jol managing before he took the Fulham job?

2. Who was the top scorer, due to the highest number of assists, at the 2010 World Cup?

 

3. Where did Arsenal sign Olivier Giroud from?

 

4. Who sponsor Watford currently?

 

5. What was the last trophy that Arsenal won and what year?

 

6. Which Italian side did Paul Gascoigne play for?

 

7. Who was the coach of England during Euro 2000?

 

8. What nationality is Edison Cavani?

 

9. Who is Liverpool's top Premier League goalscorer ever?

 

10. Who play their home games at Deepdale?

 

11. How old was Theo Walcott when he was included in the England squad for the 2006 World Cup?

 

12. Who missed Chelsea's crucial penalty in the Champions League Final against Man United in 2008?

 

13. What number did David Beckham wear for Real Madrid?

 

14. What is the name of Swansea City's Chairman?

 

15. Who won Euro 96 when football came home?

 

16. To which famous footballer is Sergio Aguero son-in-law?

 

17. Which three teams were relegated from the Championship last season?

 

18. Where did Emile Heskey start his career?

 

19. What club are nicknamed 'The Yellow Submarine'?

 

20. Who is the current coach of the USA national side?

 

 

 

 

1. Ajax
2. Thomas Muller
3. Montpellier
4. Football Manager
5. 2005, The F.A Cup
6. Lazio
7. Keven Keegan
8. Uruguay
9. Robbie Fowler
10. Preston North End
11. 17 years old
12. Nicolas Anelka
13. 23
14. Huw Jenkins
15. Germany

16. Diego Maradona
17. Coventry, Doncaster, Portsmouth
18. Leicester
19. Villarreal
20. Jurgen Klinsmann

What Became of The Likely Lads?

 

There are two enduring images that surfaced amongst the Portuguese press in the aftermath of the Euro 2004 Final. One was Cristiano Ronaldo's uncontrollable tears - the boy wonder reflecting the hurt of a nation. The other being Luis Figo's solitary figure trudging off the field, stooped in thought as the cameras worked hard to capture the inconsolable nature of a finals defeat. Figo's surviving compatriots Rui Costa and Fernando Couto, who would both announce their international retirement with immediate effect, shared Figo’s painful realisation that the chance of a fairytale ending for Portugal's Golden Generation had been stifled by a well organised Greek outfit.

 

Expectations had always been especially high for Portugal's Golden Generation, having won the Fifa World Youth Championship in 1989 and then again on home soil in 1991. After a period of stagnation post - Eusebio Portugal was producing players with serious ability. Victor Baia and Fernando Couto provided a solid spine, Nuno Gomes a threat in front of goal and flair players were in strong supply with Joao Pinto, Sergio Conceicao and Rui Costa who gave the side an extra dimension in the No. 10 role. Top of the class was Luis Figo, blessed with a precise delivery which would carve open the world’s finest teams in due course.

 

 

Figo was perhaps the only player of the pack capable of sliding straight into any side in the world. Carlos Queiroz, coach of Real Madrid at the time, said of Figo in 2003 - "You could put Figo in a phone booth with 11 opponents and he would find his way to the door. He'd beat them all and dribble his way out". His drilled effort at Euro 2000 was a reminder to English fans that there was a player outside the Premier League capable of matching David Beckham's talent. A well deserved Ballon d'Or confirmed Figo's brilliance in December of the same year.

 

 Pig’s heads and Barcelona fans aside Figo is held in high regard by the footballing world and his stature has only improved since retirement. Still playing in 2003, Figo set up the Luis Figo Foundation, inspiring Victor Baia to set up his own foundation in 2004. Both foundations seek to help children realise their potential as individuals and citizens through sport.

 

 By day Figo acts as an ambassador for Inter Milan. With the slicked black hair, crisp suits and an uncanny resemblance to Jose Mourinho Figo’s role consists of attending functions across the globe, promoting the Inter Campus Initiative. Labelled a non-profit social project the initiative runs in 25 countries serving a similar purpose to Figo's own foundation.

 

 

Equally fascinating and admirable is Figo's ambassadorial support for the Stop TB Partnership. Part of the global fight against tuberculosis, one of his contributions was to have himself fictionalised in comic books. The story follows Figo and a group of teenage girls and boys, who defeat a team of tuberculosis germs. Married with three daughters Figo may never see a son of his own continue his legacy. But his refreshing enthusiasm to take on numerous projects is a measure of the man. Witnessing one of the underprivileged youngsters from his foundation cut the mustard at a professional level would be, one suspects, just as gratifying for Figo.

 

 The Golden Generation came close to silverware on a number of occasions. France, inspired by Zinedine Zidane overcame Portugal and an incensed Abel Xavier at Euro 2000. In Germany six years later Zidane’s penalty made the difference once more. It was England who were the fall guys for a team who, led by Figo, were desperate to progress to the latter stages of Euro 2004 and the 2006 World Cup, fully aware that time was catching up with them. Rui Costa's exquisite effort, hammered past David James at 91 kmph left England shell-shocked in 2004. The goal would have been the difference but for Frank Lampard's equaliser.

 

 

Praise for Rui Costa has never been short in supply. Named in Pele's somewhat dubious Fifa 100, which included El-Hadji Diouf amongst others, Rui Costa's reputation landed him a role as Director of Football at his beloved Benfica immediately after his professional retirement. Currently continuing the role, Rui Costa determines the manager and players that arrive at Benfica, a powerful position for a former player with no previous experience. His purchases have helped Benfica and Portugal keep up with the rest of Europe. The signings of Ramires and Javi Garcia were vindicated by a first league title in five years and both players have since moved on for large fees.

 

 Fernando Couto has achieved relative success since retiring too. Handed the Director of Football role at Braga in 2010, he was appointed assistant manager at the beginning of the season. Aspirations to disrupt the status quo of Rui Costa's Benfica and Porto at the top of the Portuguese league may well see the ambitious Couto take over managerial duties.

 

 The Golden Generation have all retired gracefully bar Nuno Gomes, who is chasing a final pay check at Blackburn. Their stature at an international level has elevated the likes of Figo, Rui Costa and Fernando Couto to promising positions within club football. Still, the Golden Generation’s continuing influence on Portuguese football is unsurprising. Their hunger for success, installed at an early age, was always going to serve the players well upon retirement.

 

 

Figo knows how to carry himself, having led by example for Portugal and rumours continue to circulate that he will replace his old international adversary Zidane in a technical role at Real Madrid. Having surrounded himself with gifted players throughout his career Rui Costa’s eye for talent is beginning to come to the fore at Benfica.

Portugal have unprecedented faith in their former stars. Joao Pinto, another member of the Golden Generation works closely with the national side. With the rapid and successful promotion of former international stars Pep Guardiola, Oliver Bierhoff and Laurent Blanc to posts at both a club and national level this approach appears to be working. England – take note.

 

 

The Class of The 90s: Rise of The Superstar

A decade which started with Gascoigne's tears and ended with Solskjaer's glorious toe poke; the decade more importantly when technical ability surpassed expectations, when the class of the 90s outgrew the 20th century.

The class of the 90s defied expectations with a 'whatever you can do I can do better' attitude which football was only just acclimatising itself to. Ronaldo hit 34 goals in 37 appearances for Barcelona in the 1996/97 campaign, Roberto Carlos hit a stunning banana kick and an English 18-year-old had the audacity to skip past an Argentine defence before smashing home a memorable goal.

 The class of the 90s developed on the talent of previous generations. Figo and Beckham reinvented the capabilities of a wideman with an emphasis on precise delivery. Cafu and Carlos built on the model full back set out by Carlos Alberto adding a greater goal threat, whilst Roberto Baggio slivered his way through the smallest of gaps possible. Raul emerged as the prodigal son of Real Madrid, Del Piero the equivalent for Juventus- instinctive strikers, who could perfect the tap in and the finesse finish. The introduction of the Champions League showcased this abundance of attacking flair coming to the fore.

It's no easy feat to be at the top of your game for three or four years at a time, arguably the minimal period of sustained brilliance to be considered one of the greats of your decade. Staying clear of injury is vital; had it not been for injury some of the decade's most gifted stars could have achieved so much more then they did - both Baggio and Ronaldo's knees struggled to keep up with the rest of their bodies.

The right manager plays a role too. For roughly fours years Ronaldinho captivated the Catalan crowds, but when vice seduced him Frank Rijkaard did little to halt it ruining the troubled genius. Had Ronaldinho chosen Manchester United and Alex Ferguson his chances of a prolonged peak would no doubt have been heightened.

Playing in a successful side is a often a necessity. It's with the Madrid's and Milan's that you win trophies and a individual needs some silverware to show for his endeavours. But the 90s saw the rise of the individual, the ego, the No.10.

The football maverick has been reincarnated many a time, both before and after the 90s - think Best and Balotelli. And the 90s had the privilege of witnessing the likes of Romario, Ginola and Cantona liven up the game on and off the field. Romario didn't do training, even Sir Bobby Robson could not implement a harder work ethic. The distractions of the game surfaced during the 90s but were still in a relatively harmless stage. The Liverpool suits in 96 and their infamous Christmas party in 98 were signs that player power was growing.

Maradona was sublime, because he could take a decent but by no means special Argentine side and win them the World Cup. During the 90s the ability to carry a side was seen more frequently. Baggio waltzed Italy to the World Cup Final in 1994, Cantona pulled United over the line come May 96 and Bierhoff stunned the Czechs a few months later, taking matters into his own hands with a masterclass substitute performance.

Top of the class were Ronaldo and Zidane.

A revolutionary specimen, Brazil's Ronaldo hopped between clubs repeatedly in the 90s, such was the demand for his signature. He choose the right clubs at the right time too. At PSV he could continue what Romario had started and learn under Robson's steady guidance. A brief but prolific spell at Barcelona showed he could do the business for a huge club.

Four goals and three assists at France 98 confirmed his status as the deadliest forward in the world. Surrounding himself with the best playmakers in the world, the record of almost a goal a game at each club meant Ronaldo bought silverware to any team. What was impressive was his ability to swap Spain for Italy with such ease, scoring goals against notoriously rigid defences.

Zidane's brilliance was only truly highlighted in 1998, with a firm forehead and a 3-0 rout of Brazil on home soil. Zidane's double in the 1998 World Cup Final in France signalled what would become a habit of performing on the big occasions. One of the most graceful footballers of all time, his tenacity was deceptively patient, confident of producing a moment of magic in the 89th minute when required.

A stain on his reputation was the 1997 Champions League Final, when Juventus succumbed to Borussia Dortmund 3-1. Zidane was subdued by Paul Lambert, who must wish that Barry Bannan possessed the discipline to do the same. And when Ronaldo faltered at the final hurdle in 98, Zidane took centre stage. Like Ronaldo, Zidane was able to swap Italy for Spain comfortably and eventually outshone Ronaldo at Real Madrid. Madrid took the class of the 90s and assembled a squad of Galaticos.

 By the end of the 90s football was ready to embrace the 21st century. Take Ronaldo, a hybrid who consistently displayed all the individual elements of speed, precision, power and ruthlessness. The Van Basten's and Muller's were blessed with and honed their game's upon one or at best two of these elements. But Ronaldo was lethal in any area of the oppositions half, a threat that couldn't be pinned down.

Adkins Sacking - Nature of The Beast

Nigel Adkins.

Once upon a time you had the Brian Clough's, Bill Shankley's, and Ron Atkinson's. Men who would walk through the door of a new club and never leave without an almighty fight. Men who demanded respect and in due time got it. Nobody has any respect anymore.

 

 Make no mistake Nigel Adkins will be at watching the game this evening absolutely seething. Most managers feel relieved when their called into the chairman's office and given the boot after a dreadful campaign. There was a sense that Paul Jewell might have had a heart attack had he remained managing Ipswich for a week longer. But Adkins has been treated badly.

 

Nicola Cortese, a man with his own vision.

I won’t go as far as to say I want Southampton to now go down, because players like Rickie Lambert have been terrific this season. But I have no desire to see Pochettino succeed. His record is average at best and we've seen already with Juande Ramos at Tottenham and Fabio Capello managing England that a manger with very limited English is a recipe for disaster. What's aggravating is that it was an English manager on the end of a brutal dismissal and Nicola Cortese, the Saints chairman, had no intentions of replacing Adkins with another home bred manager.

 

Pochettino can go one of two ways. He can stick with the current crop of players who appear good enough to stay up, or shake things up considerably. The young talent of Jack Cork, Nathaniel Clyne and Luke Shaw have benefited from a manager willing to blood youngsters in crucial fixtures, a brave decision which has worked brilliantly. It would be a shame to see say Pochettino bring a left back in from Espanyol and a striker likely to fit his philosophy more so than Rickie Lambert.

 

Bill Kenwright, a shining example who has Everton's best interests at heart.

 

Southampton have not beaten Everton in their last six Premier League meetings and whilst Everton have won only twice in 13 attempts in the Premier League at Southampton, the subdued atmosphere and drop in team morale could pave the way for a easy three points for the Toffees. Bill Kenwright epitomizes the type of chairman which have become a rare commodity in England. His patience and trust in David Moyes has seen steady growth and Everton now pose a genuine threat in the fight for fourth place. Cortese wants Southampton to be in Europe within the next two years or so, but his approach threatens to derail a side who were on the up.

 

The problems with a foreign chairman begin to emerge when teams make it to the promised land. The fans and the squad are all pulling in the right direction when the new chairman spends millions of pounds on transfers, a quick solution to reaching the summit of the Championship. But these foreign chairman expect to see rapid growth immediately once their team enters the Premier League. Neil Warnock was unfortunate to be dismissed at QPR and they were lucky to survive the season. If the ambitiously ran Leicester or recently bought Nottingham Forest gained promotion the likes of Nigel Pearson and Alex McLeish would know that talk of a mid-table finish is expected rather than a dogfight to survive.

 

Mike Ashley, don't expect his friendship with Pardew to last.

 

Most worrying is the perception that chairman who don’t rate the manager in charge when they arrive are making no effort to build bridges or give them their chance. Mike Ashley never really wanted Chris Hughton and saw him as a stopgap. The same can be said for Sean O' Driscoll at Nottingham Forest. Foreign investment is now being perceived with a level of suspicion because fans cannot tell if these buyers have the clubs best interest at heart. In the case of Southampton, such an unjustified sacking brings this question to the forefront of footballing issues once more.

Ferguson's Finest Squad? I Think Not.

Sir Alex Ferguson recently claimed that his current squad equals any in terms of ability during his time at the Manchester United helm and with good reason he may argue: United have an impressive 52 points from 21 games.

 

Ferguson's declaration will give his side the confidence to go to the Bernabau and get a result. But  confidence can get you only so far sometimes. United's forwards have papered over the cracks this season and Ferguson must be sat at home wondering how his side are so far ahead of the pack, with his defence having taken more of a battering than Steve Bruce's nose. De Gea is on his way out according to the Daily Mirror, an ageing Ferdinand is out of contract in the summer and without Vidic for the majority of the campaign United's defence have conceded 28 goals already.

Hardly a shining resemblance of the stable back five made up by Schmeichal, Neville, Pallister, Bruce and Irwin in the 90s. It's hard to find support for Ferguson's claim when he frequently switches between his first choice goalkeeper and centre back pairing. And allowing James Collins two free headers should be a court marshal offence in itself. Roy Keane must have been wincing at United's defending and would be the first to line up with his rifle.
 

The old guard.

 

There is no doubt Ferguson's current crop is stronger than his teams of the early 2000s. The quality is more consistent across the board, you struggle to pick out a Djemba-Djemba and there's less of the expensive disappointments like Veron. Neither is there the arrival of players past their peak, Ferguson is placing faith in Phil Jones and Chris Smalling rather than outdated defenders such as Laurent Blanc. Even upfront, Van Persie is as lethal as Van Nistelrooy and Hernandez and Welbeck given time will match up to Yorke and Cole.
 

Eric Djemba-Djemba, named twice he was so good...

 

It's in midfield where the statement falls short. Giggs and Scholes are accomplished players but their peaks were in previous United teams. The players around them are a long way off world class. Valencia is a fantastic player, whose delivery is as appreciated as much as Beckham's was. But remove Valencia and you have a midfield struggling in creativity. Van Persie is everywhere for United, not least dropping deep on numerous occasions along with Rooney to start an attack. Carrick is decent at best whilst Anderson flatters to deceive.

Rotation is now commonplace in the United midfield because no one is making a position theirs. Giggs, albeit a legend and still able to perform at the highest level, should not be getting a look in even in dead rubber Champions League ties. That is if this side is Ferguson's strongest. If Carrick and Cleverley are off par Anderson can be called upon. But the more reliable fresh legs of Nicky Butt, for Keane or Scholes, was part of the reason United were able to romp to the treble in 1999. Darren Fletcher fulfils a similar role but has not been the same since his illness. Meanwhile Nani and Young's inconsistent form has left fans praying for the return of Ronaldo.
 

Tom Cleverley, a talented prospect.

 

 That said, this squad has easily enough potential to become one of United's greatest teams. Rafael is looking a more complete player this season and Jones and Smalling are technically sound stoppers with footballing brains similar to Pallister and Bruce. It remains to be seen whether Cleverley can reach the heights of Scholes, but once fit Kawaga will show his quality. Hernandez is Solskjaer all over and has more of a predatory instinct. Van Persie can lead this current squad on with his goals and creativity for at least three more years whilst hopefully spurring Rooney on.

'I knew I should have kept my mouth shut'.

 

It has been a comfortable ride thus far for United but don't be surprised if they falter again. The make up of Manchester City's squad is more suited now to the role once held by United, the late comers who hit form at the crucial time. If Vidic continues his spell on the sidelines, Van Persie joins him and Ferdinand is not offered a new contract, United's side will lack determined leaders to carry them over the line. Kompany, Toure and Tevez have the legs, fitness and tenacity to keep going until May. Madrid will be a massive test for this United team and one which on current watching they may well fail to pass.

 

 

Premier League XI- The Best of The Rest This Season

I've picked eleven players who I believe have been the pick of the bunch in the lower echelons of the Premier League this season.

 

Asmir Begovic- Stoke should begin preparing themselves for offers next summer, because Begovic is fast becoming the new Petr Cech. Stoke have kept nine clean sheets this term, the highest of any side, and Begovic's shot stopping and commanding nature are part of the reason why.

Sebastian Bassong- Norwich’s surprising good form is a result of building upon last season’s excellent team spirit and adding to the depth of the squad. Bassong is a talented defender and was unfortunate to be part of a Tottenham team in which he was perhaps overshadowed by the likes of Kaboul and Dawson. But in a Norwich side that lost 5-0 to Fulham on the opening day, he’s now looking like money well spend. Talented in the air with a good yard of pace, he’s taken on the league’s best strikers at Carrow Road comfortably, helping Norwich gain some memorable clean sheets, both against Arsenal and Man United.

 

 

Ryan Shawcross- Shawcross has earned his reputation as one of the brightest English centre backs in the league this season. With Alex Ferguson singing his praises and questioning the decision to allow Shawcross to leave United so early on in his career, Shawcross continues to command the Stoke back four with captain qualities similar to John Terry. He gets goals and alongside Robert Huth makes it difficult for teams to pose a threat aerially.

Nathaniel Clyne- After a shaky start Clyne is showing his class roaming forward for Southampton. With Jason Puncheon in front of him, Clyne has formed a pacy understanding which has begun many of Southampton's goalscoring chances. His stamina and speed are attributes which Southampton have been thankful for on a number of occasions and he'll continue to develop as the season goes on.

Gareth McAuley- The West Brom defender has been impressive during the Baggies storming start to the season. At 32 he's no spring chicken and has played the majority of his career in the lower leagues. His partnership with Jonas Olsson is proving consistently resilient and their nack for big goals has helped ease the pressure upfront. An experienced pro, he's enjoying a late peak which will save Steve Clarke some cash he'd have otherwise needed to spend this January.

Robert Snodgrass- Probably my signing of the season so far, Snodgrass has been vital for Norwich. It should not come as such a surprise, considering Snodgrass carried an average Leeds side last season. Reminiscent of Charlie Adam at Blackpool two years ago, Snodgrass is making the step up with ease. What he lacks in pace he makes up in technical ability. For Norwich, having a lethal set-piece specialist to call upon is a major boost. Along with Jonny Howson and Bradley Johnson he makes up a midfield who aren’t afraid to stick in a tackle either.

Steve Sidwell- Sidwell looks to have rediscovered the form which made him Reading’s most valuable asset a few years back, it is just a shame it has taken this long. A move to Chelsea was as futile as Scott Sinclair’s transfer to Man City this summer. A lack of games clearly hit Sidwell’s confidence and a subsequent move to Villa failed to halt his slump. Martin Jol must be given credit for sticking with Sidwell, and a run of games has shown his talent once more.

Yacob- Relatively unknown before the beginning of this season, Yacob is running the Baggies midfield with ease: not bad for a player picked up on free transfer last July. Yet the ex Racing midfielder has three Argentine caps to his name already and is technically sound. He hasn't looked back since his man of the match performance on the opening day against Liverpool and according to a Guardian article, only Mikel Arteta and Leon Osman have a better pass completion rate in the final third this season.

Mark Noble- Noble has been central to West Ham’s impressive form. A nuisance to the opposition, he’s been using his energy and skill to unlock back lines and help cover for his own. His partnership with Kevin Nolan is a perfect match and between them they will continue to provide the goals needed to keep the Hammers safe. Noble’s penalty ability is superb, the sort of confidence England could do with. If his steady performances continue after Christmas he deserves a call up.

Michu- No surprise here, Michu has been a revelation. If Swansea lacked anything last season it was a prolific striker. With Michael Laudrap’s appointment came a wealth of knowledge about unearthed Spanish gems and the Dane didn’t waste time in picking up Michu for just £2 million. He’s shown he is capable of scoring from all sorts of angles and has been on his game against the top sides consistently.   

 

Christian Benteke- Although I’m a big fan of Darren Bent the big Belgian is warranting his starting place. Paul Lambert loves a dominant striker and Benteke is his new Grant Holt, with greater pace and vision. If Villa are to stay up its looking increasingly likely that Benteke will need to provide the lion’s share of the goals. What he could benefit from is a consistent striking partner, one who can produce more goal scoring chances for Benteke, who has not been wasteful on many occasions this season.

Subs-

Ali Al-Habsi- Wigan are struggling again this season and it looks like another battle for survival. They can take comfort in the knowing that the Oman keeper is capable of some world class displays.

Ron Vlarr- Villa have been on the end of some thrashings this season. But they’ve also had a number of astute displays in defence. Vlaar suits the English game and is a solid replacement for Richard Dunne.

Wayne Routledge- At last Routledge seems settled. Sinclair’s departure is being amply filled by the tricky winger and he’s added more goals to his game too.

Kevin Nolan- Denied a place in my starting eleven only due to Noble’s brilliant development. A development which has been helped by playing alongside Nolan, whose poaching skills and dogged attitude are working wonders again.

Shane Long- A difficult striker to play against, Long’s movement is amongst the best in the division. A fox in the box, he’s holding his own alongside Odenwingie and Lukaku.

 

Fifteen Footballing Christmas Presents You Are Unlikely to Receive

Fifteen Footballing Christmas Presents Your Unlikely to Receive

1.      Gray and Keys: The Lost Tapes- The presenter’s cash in on their dwindling careers, with a Christmas day release of unseen footage rich in sexist performances. The pick of the punch being when Gray mistakes pundit Ruud Gullit for Graeme Souness’s wife.

 

2.      Xabi Alonso: How to Grow a Great Beard Guidebook- Football fans worldwide have marvelled with jealously at Alonso’s macho beard, which wouldn’t look out of place on a Lord of the Rings set. The book gives you all the tips you need to succeed, with an introduction from Andrea Pirlo, another worthy beard merchant.

 

3.      Colin Murray being replaced on MOTD 2- It might not be something you can unwrap. But it would be more than enough to make the post Christmas blues a more enjoyable experience.

 

4.      The alleged bird of ill fortune, which was perched on the crossbar when England met Algeria in South Africa. Rumour has it he’s already partying in Rio, ready for an appearance in the searing heat come 2014. So it’s unlikely he’ll be stuffed on your mantelpiece this Christmas as sweet revenge.

 

5.      John Terry dressed as Santa- He’s got no time for such trivial matters; Ramires’s Brazilian wife is coming down in time for the Christmas party.

 

6.      Wenger, the audiobook: Le Excuser (The Excuse) - Arsene Wenger’s interviews assembled together to make one really long, incredibly repetitive excuse as to why Arsenal haven’t won a trophy for seven years.

 

7.      A Groupon voucher, ‘One Night Only, Cocktail Making with Tony Adams- It’s been a while since his last managerial post, so Tony is moving into the cocktail business...

 

8.      Jermain Defoe’s phone book- We are all pretty curious to see how many WAGS and page 3 model’s Defoe has crammed in there.

 

9.      A Delia Smith ‘let’s be avin you’ action figure- It was an outburst nobody expected, but a brilliant one at that. Why not create an action figure which fans could bring to home games, to rouse the players if things go a bit stale.

 

10.  Paolo Di Canio: The Swindon Mafia- Paolo shows his versatility by writing a masterpiece of fiction, a gritty realist portrayal of Swindon’s most notorious gang warlords.

 

11.  David Bentley: The Russian Revolution- The title would be classic Bentley, dramatising his strange decision to move to Russia and prove he is the next Beckham. A hastily gathered biography of his time there, with self gloating and a whole chapter on waxing his hair. At least it can go straight on the fire.

 

12.  Carlisle Away- You wouldn’t expect it, and probably wouldn’t appreciate an away ticket to see your side play Carlisle. It’s an absolute trek, especially in December, and you’re likely to get more entertainment out of Paul Merson on Gillette Soccer Saturday.

 

13.  A Nicklas Bendtner shirt- Unless your other half wanted to spite you, it’s one of the most offensive presents one could open. Even if he’s signed the shirt, you’ll struggle to flog it for more than £2 on eBay.

 

14.  Paul Scholes on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories- The ginger genius barely speaks to the sporting media, so to see him opening up about Giggs’s affairs and why he can’t tackle for love or money would be entertaining, but highly unlikely.

 

15.  Ibrahimovic, cast as a servant in the Downton Abbey Christmas special- The Swede arrives on set, under the illusion he is playing the handsome, sadistic love rat. When he finds out he’s actually playing a mere servant who dies of tuberculosis, Ibra is on the next flight to Paris, not before insulting the entire cast.